– My 1 year Anniversary… ) –

Have you ever said something and then not really come to grips with what you have said? I wrote that reply in the morning before I left for work, and oh my gosh, thankfully I was so busy all day that I didn’t have time to give it a second thought. So I was not cutting and running, though as you can see I had done that once or twice ..or was it like billions of times before? I am going to do this in a couple of long posts, while it needs to be said…so please bear with me. This is who I am. I always had this want/desire that I would be married for 50 years to someone, I really wanted that grow old together more than anything, at least I thought that was what I wanted. My first relationship/foundation of such was with my mother. She shaped how my future relationships would be, she belittled me, emotionally, mentally, physically hurt me, and that is what I grew up with. It was not right, but you get this thing in the back of your head, in your heart, that tells you that is all you are worth. Cuz if you were a better person, if you were worth loving, then your mother would be the one to let you know that you are special and worth so much more. I never knew my real father, we passed some letters back and forth, but there wasn’t any relationship. My step father Hugh was my dad for about 10 years, he was an alcoholic and my mother controlled him, manipulated him, and I think that is why he was always drinking, so I didn’t have a strong “father” figure. I really can’t tell you how many men she had come and go ( my mother was very very pretty and used that to her advantage and was very good at the poor me thing to get them to give her what ever she wanted) I didn’t like it at all. My second step father, Keith, or Red as we called him was a little stronger, but not too much more, he was also an alcoholic, I don’t know if he was before my mom met him or if she was the cause of it. We were best friends, but you know that their relationship was not healthy. My mother would kick him out all the time, they fought, my mother would in turn rip up everything that he gave her. I remember one year she took a hammer to her wedding ring it was mashed beyond recognition, somehow he had salvaged enough to have a drop pendant made. Before they married, she smashed all the mirrors in her room, cut off all her hair, shredded her clothes, and took off. This was not a first, she would just leave anytime that she wanted to and they would chase her down, bring her home, and it would be good for a few months. I didn’t like Keith, in fact I detested him. Here comes this man out of nowhere and we move in with him. I didn’t trust him, so my mother sent me to live with my grandparents for a while. From my grandparents, I went to an Aunts house, bounce back and forth and then to an Uncles. I came home from the Uncles because my cousin decided we shod go riding on her boyfriends motorcycle, all 3 of us, they were stoned…I ended up with third degree burns on my leg. (The scar is not that big any longer) so home for a bit, and then off to someone Else’s home. You know the thing was it didn’t hurt so much, she had left out of the blue one time when I was like 8 or 9, and I ended up living with my Aunt Ruby. When my step dad Hugh found her, she was pregnant (not his baby) and living about 600 miles away. so the bouncing back and forth, well I knew it was because my mother didn’t care about me, because I was not good enough. So back to Keith. I was 15 when my mother decided to take off yet again. She just up and left, no one knew where. Because of this my step dad and I had to get to know each other and get along. I needed his help (financially) for my younger brothers and sisters. I took care of them, out of school for months, and really I never got the chance to be a kid. My sister had also taken off and left her 6 month old baby with me. When my mother got back, all hell broke loose, my sister had come and got the baby and left. It was my fault, even though she was kicked out because she was smoking pot and endangering our younger brother. That is when my mother beat me so bad that I was forced to leave home. Bounce again…I am a huge beach ball, I have a pretty good bounce, I thought. So from one friend to another to another…until my mother decided it would be better if I were put in a juvenile home. Counselors, yah, maybe we could work this out, but they listened to my mother and not me… it was the best summer I can remember.

I had a boyfriend at the time..Tom, first love…anyway when I turned 17 he got a job out of town and said come with me, since I didn’t have a home, I went with him. We ended up back to my hometown about a year later, and that is when my step dad Keith began to come over, and it was always because my mother had kicked him out. Usually when she did this, I would go to where ever he was staying and take him food, help with his laundry and such, like any daughter would. And this was everytime she kicked him out…for years I would do this.

I had no idea what was going on in my mothers head. I really didn’t. So flash forward about 4 years, I meet Jim. My mother loved him, he was perfect..and she was actually happy and continually saying that he was the best person for me and that I could never find anyone to love me like he would. When he asked my parents for my hand in marriage, my step dad said only if you take all of her, my mother answered for me, I wasn’t prepared for the asking in the first place. I had all these visions of actually having a relationship with my mother! We could plan a wedding, she could go with me to get a dress…you know bond. Well, the whole wedding was my mothers not mine, we argued over the dress, the one I wanted she didn’t like, I wanted a hat, she wanted a veil, the only thing I got that I wanted was a pair of bloomers to wear under the dress. Yeah, that whole pull up the dress and show the chonz really isn’t me. One thing here that is important, I was already signed up in the Navy, I was on delayed entry and was supposed to go about 2 1/2 months after I got married…so really getting married didn’t seem like it would be a huge thing to me. A few days before the wedding, my mother and I got into an argument, I really don’t remember what it was, most like over flowers or the fact that my dad paid for my dress. Anyway, this is so long and when I say b rate soap opera I am not joking. After the argument she left, I figured she went home or to talk with my sister. My step dad got me this car, a beat up old 57 be-lair…uglier than sin, but he told me that if I finished high school it would be mine, he would work on it until then. So he did, wow, it was beautiful, leather seats, wood grain dashboard, kenwood stereo, fire engine red, you would never know it was the same car, but my mother wanted it after it was done. So to keep from fighting, he gave it to her, and that day we argued, she took a body hammer to it. You know what a body hammer looks like, it has a small round head, and is pointy on the other end. She had left my house and went over there and beat the crap out of the car. that’s my mother. The day of the wedding, we argued again, so what is new, and I always backed down, this was about my step dad walking me down the aisle. We started walking and I said, I can’t do this, and he laughed and said, you already did, this is for show now. That’s how my dad was, always telling me the truth of the matter. See I knew I wasn’t doing the right thing, but my mother was sitting there with a huge grin and telling me for once, just for once do something right. So I did. And it was okay because I was going to leave in a few months and get away from all of it. Jokes on me…when I go for my physical, I am pregnant. There goes my career of being in the Navy. Bonus though, maybe this will give me and my mother a chance to bond. I wanted that, more than anything, just a mom. My mother did not attend my baby shower. That was one of the first times in my life that I adamantly refused to back down. I don’t know, maybe hearing from everyone and God that my own mother was telling everyone that the baby belonged to my step dad and not my husband kinda hurt. I did not call her when he was born, but I did stop by her house on the way to the hospital my son was transferred to, and she wanted to go with me…go with me, are you kidding? I didn’t have time to fight, I needed to be with my son, so I just left…note to self…don’t piss off the mother more than once. When my son was going to be baptised, my step dad said that I had to forgive my mom, you know she does these thing, she needs to be there, for me, for you, for the baby. So I gave in, I invited her, the first time she held my son, he was three months old. You know one of the first things she said…he has red hair just like your dad. I shut up, it wasn’t the place to argue, see I was good about backing down, I was real good about letting others have power over me, she had lots. One month later, she killed my dad. One minute he was at the house, the next he was at work and dead. I won’t go into all that, because it that is that. She has been there for 26 years, well 25…I don’t know a long time though. She wants out real bad. About 16 years ago, she was on 60 Minutes or something with Dianne Sawyer saying that she had killed him in self defense, that he was abusive to her and us kids. I don’t remember him being that way, or easier to say I never saw it. But I know my mother, and I know she will say what ever it takes to get her way. We continued to talk, I went and visited her. It was when she asked me when I was going to tell my oldest son that his dad was dead, that is when I called it quits. Yes, his father is dead, but she retains the idea that his father is really my step father. I think that is sick and twisted, but that’s me. So I am done with it. Nope, about 4 years ago, my mother was up for parole again. Her lawyer contacted me and I said I have nothing to say that would help her. He was persistent, (and Bonus, wouldn’t you know that my mother was writing him and he was getting her things???) so my brother said that he would go with me. The talk went fine until he asked me.. “how long were you and your stepfather having an affair?” Okay, I held in the tears, but I told him I was done talking with him and I left. I cried for days, and kept telling myself that one day she would quit hurting me or one day I would just be numb. Not so, a few months after that, the parole board called, I said the same thing, I have nothing to say. Just a few questions, no. So I started hanging up, only to hear, how old were you when your step father raped you? I couldn’t help it, all the anger, the frustration, everything came out, she decided I needed counseling, I decided that I was within my own right to be indignant, upset and angry that my mother would continually want to hurt me. I have forgiven her, it took a long time to say I love her. She is what she is, she is a sleepy head. I grew up with these kind of foundation, you are no good, you will amount to nothing, why can’t you be like…and no self worth for many years. And all I wanted… All I ever wanted was to be loved for me. I am going to keep this going..there will be a few more posts in the next few days, then you can say you really know who I am.